Monday, January 26, 2009

Screll

Lately my mind is becoming more twisted and turned haywire...maybe due to this sinking feeling that I have. I've often wondered if our state our mind contributes to our feeling sluggish, lazy and just wanna hit the sack? I have to drag myself out of bed everyday...knowing that I have responsibilities, and there are millions of things to do. My everyday life becomes routines...like robots I perform tasks without having feelings. I just want to SCRELL!!!!!

Yep. SCRELL...it's a word I came across when I aimlessly looked into Merriam-Webster Dictionary, for no particular reasons. It means to scream and yell simultaneously. And how aptly it describes how desperately I want to do. Maybe I should do just that and feel better afterwards..Hmm..worth trying.

Well, maybe that will be my therapy not to bottle things up and feeling miserable all the time. I was a loner, always a loner but that does not mean I am not happy. Once in a while I let others inside this demented house filled with distorted realms and some might even stay. Some embrace me for what I am while others shied away and looked in disgust. Whatever it is..I am what I mould myself to be...no one can take that away from me.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Sibling Rivalry...revisited

I have a tale to tell. Let this be an iktibar to all of us. This is the story of human nature and even little things can be blown out of proportion if you don't get the fact straight.


The story goes like this....



" I was born in a family of seven. Being the youngest isn't a privilege. It's a curse..My older siblings resent me for being the apple of our parents' eyes. But somehow they cleverly mask the feeling of hatred by being nice because they were told to do so by the parents...And I was naive and clueless, thinking that I was everyone's favourite.

For years I was bullied mentally and physically by them, never once I thought I was being victimised, always thinking that I wasn't good enough, not up to their standard. I thought they were smart, know-it-all, sophisticated and everything. Indeed they meant the world to me. But I was in for a shock! They were jealous of me. They hated me. They laughed behind my back..And I never saw it coming.

When I was growing up my daddy passed on and we were taken care of by our mom. She tried really hard to provide for all of us. She had to earn a living to feed seven hungry and demanding mouths. To me she was like an angel, taking care of us, sacrificing a lot so that we could live. She had to swallow her pride so that all of us won't have to suffer like her. I always tell myself to strive hard for my studies and to excel in academics so that I can make her proud. Alhamdulillah, all my hard work and perseverence finally paid off when I was offered to study overseas. I can really say that the money my mom spent on me was all worthwhile. She gave me a little, but I treasured it so much. She was everything to me and I want her to savour my sweet success, so I promised myself that I will take care of her in return.

My mom was fair to us. Nobody was sidelined, everybody had their special place in her heart. But when you have so much build-up of negative feelings, you are numb to kindness. My sisters were nice to me but they considered me a nuisance. My brothers bullied me, some verbally, some physically. But I was never in harm's way so I always thought that it was all part and parcel of being siblings...rivalry and what not. My mom tried really hard to have us make peace with one another. Anyway, it seemed like it's a fact of life. We learned to deal with it. I learned to deal with it.

Ignorance is bliss that for so many years I was utterly ignorant, thinking I was still the baby of the family. The revelation came in a form of a little "bird" who whispered to me that I was to be blamed for all the shortcomings that my older siblings had. It was because of me, they were deprived of good education because they were not STUPID but all the money went to me. I took their chances away from them. They could have been "somebody" if not because of me.

I felt the ground shook underneath me. My emotion erupted from shock to disbelief to anger to despair. Oh My God!!! So this is what they really feel about me. It cut really deep, so deep that I cried incessantly inside, my heart torn apart. They told people I didn't care to be on time when my mom passed on. I didn't get the chance to see her for the last time, because it took me 12 hours to reach there. I did care, but I tried to conceal my agony, I tried to be strong. They made me the culprit so that they would feel good about themselves.

I got to know after all these years, because of my intelligence, they were envious of me. Not proud but hated my guts. As I mentioned earlier, what a complete, ignorant fool I was. I thought by being clever, I would be the toast of the family. How wrong was I. They resented me so much!!! They said I didn't take care of mom. That I totally washed my hand off when she fell sick. I was away at that time. I had no choice. Now my mom is gone..I am all alone in this world because they never cared to ask about my wellbeing. They never called me to ask how am I doing. I have to face the trials and tribulations of this miserable life with my inner strength and my faith in Allah. I can only pray that my journey in soul searching would end with me finding the calm and contentment in this crazy materialistic world. I can only pray for my siblings that one day Allah will bring light into their darkened heart. Insya Allah."



This is a greek tragedy which is just a figment of my crazy imagination. It does not associate with those of the living nor the dead. You are entitled to your own opinion. But mark my word, don't dwelve into the unknown or you'll be sorry!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! (laughing with malice)

-thousand apologies..I was feeling dead bored, guys ;-).




Sunday, January 18, 2009

Qunut Nazilah

My good friend Ustazah Yam, whom I befriended in Khartoum send me this Qunut Nazilah...and I'm sharing this with everybody who read my blog.


To be read after solah 5x a day..Especially for our brothers and sisters in Palestine.

Doa Qunut Nazilah (Hadist diriwayatkan oleh Umar Bin Khatab) :

Alloohummaghfir lilmu'miniina wal mu'minaat
Wal muslimiina wal muslimaat
Wa allif baina quluubihim
Wa ashlih dzaata bainahum
Wanshur 'Alaa 'Aduwwika wa'aduwwihim
Allohummal'in kafarota ahlil kitaabil ladziina
Yukadzibuuna rusulaka wayuqottiluuna auliyaa aka
Alloohumma khollif baina kalimaatihim
Wazalzil Aqdaamahum
Wa anzilbihim ba'sakalladzii layuroddu 'anilqaumil mujrimiin
Bismillaahirrahmaan irrahiim
Allohumma innaanasta'iinuka


Artinya: "Ya Allah ampunilah dosa kaum muslimin dan muslimat,
mukminin dan mukminat,
Ya Allah jinakkan, satu padukan hati orang-orang muslimin,
Perbaikilah keadaan mereka,
Tolonglah kaum muslimin utuk melawan musuh-musuh- Mu,
dan musuh-musuh mereka
Ya Allah, laknatlah orang-orang kafir yang mendustakan para RasulMu dan membunuh para kekasih-Mu,
Ya Allah cerai-beraikan kesatuan kata mereka,
Hancur leburkan kekuatan mereka,
Dan turunkanlah bencana-Mu yang tiada tertolak lagi untuk orang-orang yang penuh dengan dosa
Dengan menyebut nama-Mu ya Allah yang Maha Pengasih Maha Penyayang,
Ya Allah, sesungguhnya kami memohon perlindungan kepadaMu"

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Kindred Spirit

Today, I intend to address my state of mind, if I had any..hahah! I am feeling kinda blue ever since my beloved left for KSA on X'mas nite to start a new career there. Although my days are packed with the daily chores and tasks, but deep, deep inside, I am missing him so very much. Of course I know I'll be joining him soon. I'm so used to him going offshore on the oil rigs, about half of our marriage life back when he was a wellsite geologist. To some wives, this leaves a breather and they welcome their husbands' absence, once in a while.

But not me! Everytime he has to go, I would cry incessantly, yes...like little girls being tricked of her lollies, and I would be under the weather for a week... all this throughout our married life, and my kids would cry too, seeing their mommy down with flu, and crying...what a sissy, right. But that is who I am...maybe an incorrigible, crybaby, sensitive soul. My beloved is my kindred spirit, my soul mate, my best friend and my great companion. We could talk for hours about as many subjects as known to man and never got tired or ran out on ideas. I remember when we were courting back when we were still in the States, we talked on the phone for 11 hours, taking a break only to go relieve ourselves, hehe! Luckily our limited fund preventing AT&T from making us their preferred customers.

We have known each other for more than half of our lives. We seem to grow up together, having ups and downs, but never could live without each other. Though we do have faults and idiosyncracies, they enhance our colourful and tumultuous journey in this union we called marriage. A life together full of dreams, promises and hopes. The times when we are apart really strengthen our yearning for each other coz' we could not function well without each other. We lend support to each other. Those nights we spent the time talking, sometimes baring our soul, till the wee hours of the morn', always hold dear in my heart. We were never judgmental of each other...we complete each other, compromise our ideals, share and have the same taste for lots of thing. We are like one entity, but never lose our own individuality. We give each other room to breathe, try not to take things for granted in our relationship. We work hard to make this work....

One thing for sure...the longer the journey, the harder it is for couples to cope with being apart. You know him too well. He won't cook, not because he doesn't know how to but he misses your cooking. He has restless nights, because you were not by his side. The house looks and sounds empty because you don't hear his deep soothing voice filling the atmosphere. You too have restless nights, coz' you long for his warm embrace....

Patience has its virtue..there goes the saying. I know it's hard to be apart, like I'm so used to it. Getting used to being apart doesn't mean your heart does not ache inside. You learn to mask the pain by doing lots of things...reading especially helps. No doubt as one with faith, prayers are always your guide, especially in these emotional times. Keep on praying and soon the day when you would be together again would come. Its true that absence does make your heart grows fonder...coz you don't have time to feel otherwise.


Appendage: Skype RULES!!! Talked for 2 hours on Skype just now...seeing his face and hearing his voice...it's like he is in the same room as I am.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Having a Cake and Eat it too

Remember when we used to eat so many things and just couldn't care less about putting on weight? I used to pooh-pooh my late brother in-law, when he wisely ask me to watch what I ate...thinking that I'd never gain weight. But now, lo and behold! It's a monumental task to shed just 1 kg of flab what with having to look away from those delicious cheese cakes and chocolate moist cakes. What about those yummy blueberry muffins and butterscotch pecan cookies aromatically baked by Famous Amos? Whoa...hold it, Weight smeight!! Uuurrrggh and double uuurrrgghh!!! I can't take it anymore!!!

Blame it on the slow metabolism, but it's really hard to get on the treadmill everyday, to do a 30 minute workout which seems like forever. Your eyes are fixed on the console and keep on hoping that the LCD display blinks faster and faster though your legs are getting slower and slower...Uurrghh!! One thing that really gets to me is that if I increase the speed I have to keep up with it which means no slowing down...Think about those calories you burn!! Yeah right. Burn. Burn.

I think I know what is the matter with me. I enjoy food too much! My late mother, God bless her soul was an extraordinary cook, that everything she concocted tasted real good! Nasi Lemak, Lontong, Soto, Mee Goreng, Mihun, Laksa Johor, just to name a few, all tasted heavenly. Ahem..seriously, I guess I like to eat good food. Now I have to really, really change my eating habits...like shy away from those cholesterol-laden grubs and embark on a healthy food regime (erm, sounds like a military training) incorporating exercise programme to tone my body. So there you have it...See you guys in 2010! Maybe this is my only new year's resolution I am capable of fulfilling. Who knows. It'll be my soul-searching odyssey, trying real hard to stay on-course to reach a destined healthy wellbeing. Amin.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Lesson learnt

***My heart filled with great despair and wrath at the atrocity commited by Israel against the Palestinian people. My thoughts and prayers are with them and May Allah guide them in these hours of bleakness.***



Today, there's a lesson to be learned here. My littlest one got back from school and told me something that made me fuming mad...why? Well, the conversations went like this:

Mommy: Hi Lily..how's your day?
Lily: Ok.
Mommy: Did you finish your food?
Lily: No, I managed to eat 1 sandwich only. (Grinning)
Mommy: Who went to recess with you?
Lily: Nobody...(making her balloon face)
Mommy: ..and why is that? I thought A___ usually went with you...
Lily: Well, erm.. N___ said A___ cannot go to recess with me today. Erm.. N___ said A____ can only go with me on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday only.
Mommy: Why did N___ do that?
Lily: I dunno...em..I did ask her why but she seemed to be in a hurry!
Mommy: You know what..you should tell N___ that she's not the boss of you and you can be friends with anybody you like and you don't have to ask for her permission! Understand?
Lily: Ok Mommy...(chimpy face)


Well you see...this is so typical of children's behaviour. The bossy girl just couldn't stand it if her friend gets close with sombody else. Even if she has made some new friends herself. And how do I deal with this? On one hand I'm trying to set good example to my daughters by being nice and don't bother too much about this. Otherwise, my girls would always think that people are obnoxious and repulsive, and their outlook in life would always be pessimistic. But, lemme digress a little. I don't have these vials of hatred in me. I just feel that when you are too nice, people would step on you..so you have to be a bit nasty...know when to be nice but you gotta have some air...not too much though. Too much would make you one pompous, nose in the air kinda person...which is baaadd...Hmm. Back on track, so I just told my Lily that make friends with those who want to be your friend because they like you for who you are, not what you have. If there's nobody befriending you..then it's their loss.

As far as I can see, my Lily is a fun, creative girl. She's quite timid when in large crowds. However, in the vicinity of our home, she would come up with lots of witty stories, and make funny faces only we, the family could enjoy. She likes drawing stick cartoons in strips with different expressions which she called "comix". Always thoughtful and worries too much. She reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age. I didn't have that many friends too because I didn't know how to initiate the first move, always waiting for others to first say hello. Until now, I'm only comfortable when I'm with people I know...though I'm really ok with it.

You know what they say, what goes around comes around. Now I see the reflection of me and my insecurity in my childhood mirrored by my girl. She's one sensitive, concerned little blossom who really knows how to make me smile. I wish she had more confidence to face the challenges of today's world. There's so much a mother can wish for. I hope with time she would learn to stand up and feel confident about herself. And who cares what others would think...I hope she'll bloom into a kind, funny and caring human being in this desolate world.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

For a Better Life

What's with some people, anyway? It's like they despise change, especially in other people...Me, I'm all for it. If it is for the better, why not? If it makes you happy, go ahead. If change can make you become more bearable to be with, be my guest. I've never thought change can be sooo bad. After all, we need changes in our life. Change for a better standard of living is one thing. To me (some people might not agree) having tons of money doesn't mean you have to flaunt it to others (the expression "when you've got it, flaunt it" does not apply here, people). I do hate (hate is too strong a word) well I don't think I like those people who want to compete with others in terms of how much money you have and how many imported cars you own in your garage...plus what kind of tv you have in the living room, be LCD or plasma.

Well, I know I'm beating about the bush here, but what I mean is if you want to change your life by making a new career choice, or moving to a new bigger bungalow or high-end condo, or having a bigger, new imported car...by any means do it. But never change because it is expected of you (to please others) or just because the green ogre of jealousy in you couldn't evaporate that you need to top your friends who are more successful than you are...you won't ever be satisfied that way...Do it because you want to do it, it makes you feel exhilarated inside, and you know you want a better life. A life where you can wake up every morning and stop to smell the roses, knowing you deserve every waking moment God has bestowed upon you. A life where you are at inner peace with yourself, others and the surroundings. A life where you can say to yourself...hey, not bad huh. Pat yourself on the back and go on living. Life is too precious to be petty.

I welcome change if it lifts your spirit, soaring high to enhance a better you to yourself, your beloved, your friends, even your enemies. Don't go changing...that's always rings true when you sense that people change for the worst. The change I'm talking about involves changing your standard of living but never your persona...Most people got lost in translations because with the change in lifestyle comes change in bearing...losing your friends along the way.....

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Blow the Candles and Make a Wish

OMG!!!...Has time really flew that fast that my baby has grown up to be 16 today? It was just like yesterday when the nurse wheeled her in into the room in Pantai Medical Centre. Her big eyes surveyed the room, tried to figure out where the heck she was. And now she's no longer that delicate baby I once held gingerly in my arms. She's now my good friend, a great helper, most wonderful person and a smart young lady, ready to face challenges in this trivial world. Though I miss her amusing antics when she's just a tiny tot (her famous word only she can understand....tabutuk), now I can say that I'm really proud of her. She's like a gourmet cheese. Aged well and taste great. Don't go changing, Love. I wouldn't have you any other way. Happy Birthday My Sweet 16. Blow your candles and make a wish (maybe more). May all your wishes do come true!!!

Some people asked me why don't I try for a boy. Well, easier said than done. It's a given, these things, not something you plan and rant mad if you don't get what you want. I am blessed with what I have and wouldn't change a thing. Yes...sometimes I get mad and sometimes I get sad. But all in all life is a contentment. The kids have their days, sometimes with glee, sometimes completely nerve wrecking. I must admit I lost my top countless times but at the end of the day, when I hugged them all the mood swings suddenly seem to fade away. They're God given, entrusted to me to raise and upbring. Why me? Am I a good mother? Can I nurture them with endless unconditional love? Will they hate me if I said NO when thay want to go out with their friends on weekends? Will they be mad if I scold them for getting bad grades? I guess the beauty of being a mother means never having the right answer to these questions but knowing what feels right. And as always, a mother only wants what is right for the children....

Saturday, January 3, 2009

I am A Wanderlust

Travelling to faraway land, zig-zagging thru' narrow cobblestoned alleys, lost in awe at the huge,gigantic museums...admiring the towering minarets of marbled walls of mosques of yesteryears....I am a wunderlust!!! My hunger to explore the wonderous cities of many seethes inside. How I wish I could backpack myself and leave everything behind and embark on a soul-searching adventure I always dreamed about.



Hehehe! Just like reading a romance novel. Indeed I love to travel. I love exploring the cities and understand the history, culture and the romanticism of each of them. Call me a romantic... I just had a crazy dream last night...call it crazy coz' I dreamt that I was an exotic belly dancer of Istanbul, performing in front of many, strutting my stuffs and making men oogling at my voluptuous bod..... One thing about me..I'm a nutsy-kookoo kinda person. Being serious is a bane to my existence. Even my dreams are eccentrical in nature. But seriously, ahem, dreams are wild and far beyond reach. I wish I could do that but that's not really who I am. I don't have the guts anymore. I guess motherhood has tamed me real good. I wonder if I'm not married and having kids, maybe I would be a wandering photographer, with my Nikon slung around my neck, capturing kaleidoscopes of life images and savouring the gourmet cheeses of various lands.



Hmm...weird eh. Actually I'm clueless still, even at 42, I don't really know what I want. I want to do everything but I prefer daydreaming them coz' it's easier that way...


Actually I have travelled quite a lot with my family. We went to museums, historical ruins and palaces, ate exquisite food, and bought a lot of fancy souvenirs. I enjoyed travelling with them kids. They are fun and full of antics. I guess I kinda find my soulmates in my family. We share the same dreams, the same hopes...and couldn't ask for anything more. Come wander some more with me....Love you, guys.



Addendum: Went to Suria KLCC with the kids to pick up our medical reports for the Saudi visas. Had lunch for the first time at Madam Kwan's (much hoopla due to long queue during lunch hours). The food...boleh lah (it's all right) but I guess I wanted to give my firstborn her early birthday treat today. (Her birthday is tomorrow). I got tons of things to do tomorrow so I might as well give her present today...Nothing much but means a lot to her. As usual, I like to buy books for my children. I want them to expand their knowledge through literature. Things I never get when I was young, I want them to experience, relish and cherish in their every waking moment. My kids mean the world to me...

Friday, January 2, 2009

Why cheese, you ask?

Cheese represents the finer things in life. I remember when I first tasted the tangy taste of cheese. I fell in love with it. I can't really describe the feeling. It was like I had died and went to heaven. I know I'm being a bit melodramatic, but it's true. The way I eat cheese is different from other people. Cut into tiny bits, I savour each bite with grapes - dark, purple, crunchy ones. Whoa...pure ecstasy.

Some people like cheesecakes, some like cheese in their burgers. But I like cheese on its own...or with grapes (wait...that sounded weird O.o). But I tell it as it is. So, I look at life like eating cheese with grapes (there I go again>o<...but you know what I mean). I may raise few eyebrows but this is who I am.